A Birthday Bike ...

Michael's birthday was coming soon, so he asked his dad for a bicycle so that he would not need to walk to school anymore. However, Michael's dad had lost his job and did not have much money. Michael got a book instead but he did not complain.

One bright and sunny day while Michael was walking past a convenience store on his way to school, he saw a big boy on a bike. The bike was too small for the boy. As the boy was turning around a corner, the bike skidded on a puddle of water and crashed into a lamp-post.

The boy was a prefect in Michael's school. Michael recognised him. The boy's name was William. William seemed to have broken his leg. Michael picked up William's bike which was not damaged and rode to the nearby hospital to get help. A few minutes later, an ambulance came and brought William to the hospital. Michael rode William's bike to school so he would not be late for class.

After school, Michael quickly rode the bicycle to William's house with a book and a jigsaw puzzle for William. William was not too seriously hurt. He was discharged after his leg was put in a cast.


To Michael's surprise, William was getting a new bike on his birthday in two months' time and Michael could have William's old bike. Michael was overjoyed. From then on, Michael and William became good friends. Michael visited William every day till William's leg was healed.

Who Are My Neighbours?

"Ring" the bell rang loudly. Everybody packed their bags and get ready to go home. When the teacher dismissed the children, they lined up in two rows and walked orderly to the canteen.

Usually David's mother would fetch him home from school but today she was not there. David waited for 15 minutes before he walked home.

When he reached home, he knocked on the door as he did not bring his keys. Surprisingly, no one answered the door. David thought his mother was in the toilet so he waited patiently for his mother. After a few minutes there was still no response.

David knocked again but still no one answered the door. Just as he was about to go to the nearby coffee shop where his father worked to get the keys, he heard the friendly voice of his neighbour, John.

David told him that no one was home and John's mother suggested that David stays in their house till his mother came back. David and John played happily till evening when David's mother came back.




David thanked John and his family before he went back into his house. David's mother explained to David that she had a backache and she had to see a doctor. From this experience, David learnt an important lesson, "Neighbours are people who help each other."

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Top honors for "Human Projectile of the Month" go to an as-of-yet unidentified person ...

... who is also a serious contender for the annual "Darwin Award". That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion.

Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.

The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they "pieced" together:

JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off", typically lifting big transport planes into the air from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.

They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that -- let's call him "Zippy" ---- didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride.

He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the track, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.

The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the Chevy to "well in excess of 350 miles per hour" and continued at "full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins to liquefied trails on the pavement.

Remember that little rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We'll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.

T-shirts are always a problem in the military ...

The following directive was issued by the Commanding Officer of a naval installation in the Mid-East and was obliviously directed at the Marines.

To: All Commands

Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
"Eat Pork or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

The conservationist

I was winding up me sundial
When a friend rang up to say
That a meeting was in progress
In the hall across the way.

So I donned me best blue singlet,
Ran the clothes brush through me hair
And strolled grandly to the meeting
Looking suave and debonair.

The wild-eyed speaker on the stage
Stamped and screeched and raved
About our dwindling forest lands,
How the trees must all be saved.

"Take heed, my friends!" he loudly cried,
"For our aim in life must be
To put our shoulders to the wheel
And save each single tree!"

He raged about our heritage -
All those trees we held in trust -
With such frenzied fire and brimstone
That it seemed he's surely bust.

"Now is there one amongst us here,"
He bawled with animation,
"Who truthfully can testify
They've aided conservation?"

Then up spoke Billy Cassidy,
A well-known ego-wrecker -
"I've done me bit. I once shot dead
A RUDDY GREAT WOODPECKER!"

When I was growing up in the country a local character was known to all and sundry as 'skinflint'

It was said he would rob mousetraps for the fur they contained, and he was about as popular as a wicker seat in a nudist colony. He hated any kind of work, but lived on various shady deals he made with anyone silly enough to talk to him. He wasn't all that bright, but his skin was as thick as rhinoceros hide. He was also enormously fat, and rumor had it that his wife had expired from lack of sunshine.

One time he sprained his ankle - possibly from falling off his wallet - so he drove to the doctor's house and called for him to come out and examine him. The medico reluctantly went to the car and, after looking at the ankle, said, "It's a slight sprain, that's all. Bathe it in hot water and rest. That's all you can do." Knowing his patient's reputation he added, "That'll be ten dollars, thanks."

"What for?" demanded skinflint.

"My professional advice."

"Nothing doing." Putting the car in gear he said, "I've decided not to take it."

I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow

... and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I said that the dog food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

(By now, practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind the woman I was talking to.)

Horrified, she asked if the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had been sitting in the street scratching fleas and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat ...

in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.

"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..."

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria.

After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!!!!! As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.

Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.

"Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!"

Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes the black-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.

My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care of those who do bad things!

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments

... that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Real 911 calls ...

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop

... I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -----adequate time to retreat to safety. -----------WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

True story from a friend of a friend...

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank:"...excuse me ....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"

CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.

The last few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on, plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

A lady died this past January, and the bank billed her for February and March...

... for their annual service charges her credit card, and then added late fees and interest (!) on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

20 Ways to Make People Laugh!

1. Push a gumball down the sidewalk with your nose.


2. At your next pep rally, gargle (or belch) your school song.


3. The next time a sporting event gets boring, draw a tiny face on your little finger and let Mr. Pinky give a play-by-play description of the game—in a high-pitched voice, of course.


4. During a conversation with your friends, say, "chirpledeekirpledeedum" in the middle of each sentence.


5. The next time you're at the gym, stand in front of the lightest barbell you can find. Stretch and flex and act like the strongest person in the world. Then lean over and act like the weight is impossible to lift. The more you grunt and groan, the better!


6. Get some friends together and stuff as many grapes as possible behind your upper lip. Now try to carry on a conversation.


7. Stop someone on the street, pull out a map of Greece and ask for directions to the Parthenon. (Caution: This won't work if you're in Greece!)


8. The next time you look through a microscope announce to your lab partner: "Hey, look in here. It looks just like my Uncle Stu!"


9. !sdneirf ruoy ot sdrawkcab klaT


10. Wear goofy headbands and when people look at you funny, say loudly, "What? What? What are you looking at?"


11. Blow soap bubbles and say to each one: "Good Witch Glenda, oh, Good Witch Glenda, are you in there? It's me, Dorothy … "


12. Buy some cheap shower caps and talk your friends into wearing them the next time you go to a movie.


13. Paint smiley faces on an old pair of shoes and wear them to school.


14. Put a cute little dress on your pooch and take her (or him) for a walk in a crowded park.


15. The next time you're at the zoo, do your best imitations of the animals that are drawing the biggest crowds.


16. Get some friends together and wear lifejackets to the mall. Stop people and say, "Better get ready. We understand it's going to start raining real hard real soon."


17. Blow up a balloon then suddenly let it go. Follow the flying balloon around the room and shout dramatically, "He's dying! He's dying!" When the balloon hits the floor, pronounce it "dead."


18. Hit yourself in the face with a whipped cream pie.


19. Wear socks on your hands. When people ask about it, say matter of factly, "My toes are protesting."


20. Just laugh—it's contagious, ya know.

The Funeral Service

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the blessed wall!'''

Email Mixup

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

50/50 Marriage

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he
watched, the gentleman carefuly divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and every thing has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, " not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

Nut

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats.
During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers.
Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies and a beer.
When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress.
"What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group.
The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!"

Why should I

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with
at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde,
"Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000
miles on it."

The magician & the parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. He has a different audience each week, so he allowed himself to perform the same act over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of every show, "Look, that's not the same hat!"
"Now he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it. After all, it was the captain's parrot.

One day the unthinkable happened: The ship had an accident and sank! The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course!

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a single word. This went on for days.

After a week the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "OK, I give up. Where'd you hide the boat?"

Telephone

A man I needed to call home, but the only pay phone he could find was in use. So, he stood to the side and waited politely until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.

Ten minutes later, he was still not talking. Finally, the man tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked if he could use the phone. "I am sorry but I really need to make an important call."

"Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

Wedding color

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said.... "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Find a new pilot

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

My age

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got
that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you
get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you
my age.

Conducting A Music Class

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Good Samaritans

Some guys find a man lying on the sidewalk. They assume that the old guy is drunk, so they decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the sidewalk, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.

He tells them where he lives and when they arrive at his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one of the guys says to the woman who answers, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Well, where in the world is his wheelchair?"

Another War Wound?

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes"

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!

"War wound??"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck"